Finding zen through miscarriages or striving for a baby

Early this year, I have noticed that I’m knowing more and more couples who are either trying really hard to have children or women who have had to go through miscarriages.  This blog post is dedicated for those who have had to go through such hardships, a hardship that’s now becoming a reality for many people today.

Each and every one of us has a tremendous capacity to love.  Somewhere along the lines, this capacity to love was given definitions.  The most ideal definition now is a married couple with children.  Marriage is celebrated with so much adoration, whether it’d be a gay or heterosexual marriage, it is still used as the ultimate measure of love between a couple.  Then the perfect picture of a couple and their newborn child comes in.  The love between a parent and child is probably the closest measure we have to unconditional love.  Apparently, at some point in time, we conceptualized these images as the perfect measures for our capacity to love.  These physical measures almost became a necessity as an expression for our capacity to love.  Today however, it’s not just the married couple and their children in the picture, it has to include a pretty backyard (with a sizeable mortgage), a stable career title that can hopefully afford the children’s future schooling, maybe some travel photos, and as you can imagine, we can add even more elements to this picture.

Our tremendous capacities to love has been placed in a funnel, a very defined way of expression. If you happen to receive the precious gift of a little baby you can hold in your arms and funnel your tremendous capacity to love through this connection with a little being, this beautiful picture is certainly one to hope for.  But sometimes the attraction of this picture is more enticing than the purpose of the picture itself, which is an expression of our capacity to love. Then sometimes it becomes a relationship with this picture, all that is past and future balances unsteadily on this picture.

If you are someone who experienced a miscarriage or is trying really hard to have children, I have a suggestion of a different way to look at things.  The following is a script one can think of to yourself:  I have a tremendous capacity to love, and this will always be with me.  No matter what challenges come my way, my capacity to love remains stable.  My being is firmly centered in this tremendous capacity to love, and when I need help, I can turn to this center.   

I think this way of looking at things can help us stay centered without getting pulled into an image we want so badly for ourselves.  Certainly, we can want something so badly, but sometimes it can be difficult when what we want does this ‘push and pull’ relationship with ourselves.  By staying centered, that ‘push and pull’ won’t affect us as much.

With my greatest gratitude, I thank you for reading through this very sensitive matter.  I do feel, however, that this is all becoming too real for many people, and as private as it should be, it also helps to get different perspectives.

4 thoughts on “Finding zen through miscarriages or striving for a baby

  1. Stella Madison

    Great mantra and I do think this applies to all our situations in life and we can customize as we deem fit. But aside from this mantra, or when chanting these lines don’t feel like they’re working, would you have alternate exercises/activities to get one centred?

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    1. thanks!! I like your question! Technically, what I gave is not really a mantra but a mindset or perspective. The true ‘mantra’ behind the framework I gave is, ‘I am a peaceful loving soul’. In respect to this situation, this mantra translates into: I, the soul, am a consciousness above any drama, life challenges or situations, etc, I am at peace irregardless of what goes on the stage of life, and I am loving irregardless of how this stage allows me to express myself. I say ‘mantra’ because the form of meditation I currently practice with the Brahma Kumaris does not really use mantras, although I’m quite aware that this is used in other forms of meditations. I used to practice other forms of meditations as well, but I found it difficult to apply such mantras to current situations right on the spot as I go through difficult situations. But if you change your perspective (ever so slightly) and keep reminding yourself of this perspective (let’s say first thing in the morning), as you go through your day, difficulties can be dealt with more certainty and mindfulness.

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      1. I forgot to address the last part of your question! ok, ‘if you don’t feel like this is working’ – ie/ the mantra or the new perspective, this either means you’re not fully in it’s understanding (you may need more ‘convincing’) or you’re not chanting/meditating/or reminding yourself of it enough. In the first case – where you may need more ‘convincing’, this usually means you’re getting caught up in the situation or the drama or the physical pull of the situation, which is perfectly normal – but meditation or surrounding yourself with only positive information can help with this. In the second case, it’s also quite common to forget that we do have these tremendous capacities to love, or that we are peaceful, loving souls. Just like a surgeon who can easily lose his clinical skills if he doesn’t practice, the moment he decides he wants to practice again, he needs to remind himself that he IS a surgeon – he will do so by brushing up on knowledge and telling himself he is capable. So many people can forget, but reminding ourselves and brushing up on the knowledge takes effort, which is why I highly recommend regular meditation. When the surgeon finally does do his first surgery back, he continues his ‘practice’. We must practice who we are – which are peaceful, loving souls. If life’s stage cannot give us a baby to love for the time being, we can apply our love onto others, especially ourselves. For women who had experienced a miscarriage, loving themselves with only kind thoughts and words is probably the most difficult, but it’s simply a practice and they simply just have to try day to day. So besides meditating, a great exercise in conjunction to this (not an alternate) is actually practicing loving thoughts (and the actions will follow).

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