Early this year, I have noticed that I’m knowing more and more couples who are either trying really hard to have children or women who have had to go through miscarriages. This blog post is dedicated for those who have had to go through such hardships, a hardship that’s now becoming a reality for many people today.
Each and every one of us has a tremendous capacity to love. Somewhere along the lines, this capacity to love was given definitions. The most ideal definition now is a married couple with children. Marriage is celebrated with so much adoration, whether it’d be a gay or heterosexual marriage, it is still used as the ultimate measure of love between a couple. Then the perfect picture of a couple and their newborn child comes in. The love between a parent and child is probably the closest measure we have to unconditional love. Apparently, at some point in time, we conceptualized these images as the perfect measures for our capacity to love. These physical measures almost became a necessity as an expression for our capacity to love. Today however, it’s not just the married couple and their children in the picture, it has to include a pretty backyard (with a sizeable mortgage), a stable career title that can hopefully afford the children’s future schooling, maybe some travel photos, and as you can imagine, we can add even more elements to this picture.
Our tremendous capacities to love has been placed in a funnel, a very defined way of expression. If you happen to receive the precious gift of a little baby you can hold in your arms and funnel your tremendous capacity to love through this connection with a little being, this beautiful picture is certainly one to hope for. But sometimes the attraction of this picture is more enticing than the purpose of the picture itself, which is an expression of our capacity to love. Then sometimes it becomes a relationship with this picture, all that is past and future balances unsteadily on this picture.
If you are someone who experienced a miscarriage or is trying really hard to have children, I have a suggestion of a different way to look at things. The following is a script one can think of to yourself: I have a tremendous capacity to love, and this will always be with me. No matter what challenges come my way, my capacity to love remains stable. My being is firmly centered in this tremendous capacity to love, and when I need help, I can turn to this center.
I think this way of looking at things can help us stay centered without getting pulled into an image we want so badly for ourselves. Certainly, we can want something so badly, but sometimes it can be difficult when what we want does this ‘push and pull’ relationship with ourselves. By staying centered, that ‘push and pull’ won’t affect us as much.
With my greatest gratitude, I thank you for reading through this very sensitive matter. I do feel, however, that this is all becoming too real for many people, and as private as it should be, it also helps to get different perspectives.